Since I’ve been sharing about myself in the public eye, there have been three main misconceptions that people have thought to be true about me:
1. People assume I’m a former Satanist.
2. They assume I’m a former Luciferian (since few people seem to understand what this is, I don’t get labeled this a lot, but a few people have expressed this thought this about me).
3. I’ve been called a former Illuminist (and by a couple of people, an “ex-Illuminati).
About Being a Former Satanist
No, I’m not a former Satanist.
I was not raised as a Satanist, so it’s dishonest to allow myself to be referred to as a former Satanist. I grew up in a charismatic household, first raised to be an “Apostolic/Pentecostal,” and later a “Christian.” But I have never ascribed my former religious beliefs to be Satanism.
However, the following is true:
1. Although I didn’t realize it as a child, my mother’s second husband, Tom, was a Satanist. His cover was being a “Pentecostal,” but looking back, it’s clear that he was a Satanist. I don’t know if he was a “card-carrying” Satanist, and I don’t know what, if any, sect of Satanism he personally identified with. Maybe in his mind, he simply “dabbled” in Satanism. I can’t say. But he certainly wasn’t a Christian man, and he had a few noteworthy acquaintances who were Satanists, including some of my programmers. Which leads to the next point . . . .
2. At least one of my programmers was a world-renown, high-ranking Satanist, and some of the others were also self-proclaimed Satanists with varying infamy, who identified with particular groups. At some point, I may name all of the ones who’s names I know, but quite honestly, for many different reasons, there are some names that I’m afraid to name. When my feelings change, I’ll name all the ones I know. Until then, I won’t.
I don’t know the religious beliefs everyone gave to themselves, of course, but for some, they practiced some form of Satanism. For instance, one particular woman (a woman who I call Pam, who I thought of at the time as the “Good Witch”) practiced an odd mixture of Satanism, Voodoo, and Wiccan, plus probably some other things that I don’t even know the name for, and I have no idea what word to use to describe her conglomerate of various religious practices.
But ultimately, at some point the beliefs of those esoteric, occult religions (including the many manifestations of so-called “christian” mysticism) all leads to Luciferianism (the worship and serving of Lucifer/Satan) anyway. So aside from satisfying my own intellectual need to understand and categorize my experiences with her, I don’t suppose it necessarily matters what religious name she would have designated to herself, because ultimately, they all served Satan.
Besides, in her public life, Pam probably called herself “Christian.” Which just goes to show you: “Christian” is a label. It’s the living the life of a Biblical Christian (following the true Jesus Christ) that is important. Not the act of labeling oneself a “Christian.”
3. As a child, I never thought myself to be a Satanist nor did I ever call myself a Satanist. As far as I was concerned, I was “Apostolic Pentecostal” and then “Christian,” and that is how I described myself growing up. Not a Satanist.
However, some of the rituals I was forced into were satanic and satanic-type rituals (some of which Tom, my former stepfather, took me to). As far as I can tell, they were mostly for the purposes of programming. At the time, however, I did not recognize those rituals as being satanic. First, I was a child who didn’t grasp the meaning of the word “satanist,” so I couldn’t have identified it. But secondly, I dissociated from the rituals and locked away the memories of those awful activities into a dark closet in my mind and just didn’t think about them. And since the rituals didn’t happen on a regular basis, it was easier for me to pass off the memories of such rituals as simply being my twisted, sick, and scary imagination. Besides this, my mother certainly provoked this dissociative response, as many times when I expressed a thought or a memory of something that she didn’t want to talk about or that she didn’t believe, I was beaten or punished in some way. Sure, sometimes she’d have an “off-day” and actually be in a good mood, and I wouldn’t get in trouble for going against what she believed (or wanted to believe) to be true. But for the most part, I’d be punished for speaking the truth. So out of survival, I learned to always question myself, to never question my mother, and to dissociate from those uncomfortable things that insolently insisted upon being true. It was an act of survival.
Now, if the satanic rituals would have happened more regularly in the same way that church services occurred, such as two or three times a week, then perhaps I would have identified more with Satanism than I did with Christianity, and perhaps I could accurately describe myself as a “former Satanist.” I can’t recall how many times I was brought to programming rituals, but they certainly didn’t happen on a weekly basis, and they didn’t happen regularly enough for me to strongly identify with them. Which brings up the next point . . . .
4. Even up to a few years ago, however, there were a few dissociative parts of me who strongly identified as a “Satanist,” because they clearly remembered and were present at such rituals. Since there were so many dissociative parts of me, I hate to put a number to how many parts identified as Satanists, but if pressed, I’d say around a dozen or more, but only a couple who were very strong and able to occasionally influence thought and behavior to a certain extent. Because of the comparatively smaller number of Satanist alters I had (the Luciferian alters were much greater in number), these Satanic parts of me would usually present themselves in ways that many people never saw, such as: actively seeking out occult material to read or watch; holding private and arrogant contempt for all things Biblical; privately desiring to curse God, but on the other hand, being convinced that there was no God, and no “good or evil,” but only our personal choices that were neither right nor wrong (this is similar to some Luciferian beliefs, but coming from a “dark” side).
Most of the practicing of witchcraft came from the Luciferian influences, with a few exceptions.
But these parts of me were not the “me” who was usually conscious and out surviving through life (also known as the “front alter”). And because their influence was not very strong, relatively speaking, those momentary and temporary lapses in behavior, attitude, and thought were puzzling to me, and sometimes frightening. And afterwards, I’d throw myself into “churchianity,” trying to make amends for what I recognized as ungodly thoughts, desires, and behaviors.
I’ve now learned that finding freedom from the influence of Satanic alters does not lie in “trying to do the right thing.” It lies in accepting Jesus Christ and submitting to His authority, and this is the basis of a relationship with my Heavenly Father, Who brings me through a healing process that is based upon my confession, repentance, and submission to Him.
Specifically, this means that I verbally confessed the sin I committed of being against God, confessing even the sin that I had no choice but to commit as a child. Confession of these sins isn’t for my condemnation, but for my healing! Even those Satanic parts of me that I couldn’t necessarily identify with in a personal way — those parts of me that I dissociated from — since they are parts of me, they are me. And as painful as it was, I took ownership of those Satanic parts of me and confessed my sin to the Father. I then verbally repented of that sin, submitted to His will, and renounced my own will.
⇒ See also the “Deliverance and Spiritual Warfare 101” series, found here:
Briefly Defining Luciferianism
Before I describe my experiences with being a “former Luciferian,” I need to give a clear definition on what I mean when I say “Luciferian.”
In doing my best to explain a little more about myself and when writing articles, I make a distinction between Luciferianism and Satanism. But as a believer in and a follower of Jesus Christ, I am aware that Satan and Lucifer are the same being. I am also well aware that ultimately, there are only two sides: Satan (Lucifer) and God. Either we serve God, or we serve Satan. And any systems of beliefs or practices that are outside of sound Biblical teaching are not of God, and therefore serve Satan.
But when speaking of man-made religion, there are many different systems of beliefs that people adhere to. And if all the world religions were placed on a single row, with lines rising above each of them, the point where each of these religions converge with their esoteric, occult ideas and values, is what is known as “Luciferianism,” because ultimately, they are serving Lucifer (Satan).
So when I speak of “Luciferianism,” I’m not describing any one particular religious sect that goes by the name “Luciferian,” nor am I speaking of any one particular Luciferian church or groups of churches that may be in operation. But I am speaking to a broader, world-wide, universal belief system whose observant’s ultimately serve Lucifer and who hold to esoteric, mystic belief systems, whether consciously or unconsciously.
Luciferianism is more easily defined and explained as being an over-reaching, esoteric, occult belief system that is best depicted by the tenets of theosophical and gnostic philosophies that are present in world religions. People who follow these theosophical, gnostic, “new-age” Luciferian principles will not necessarily call themselves Luciferian, Theosophists, or even Gnostics. Some may, but in many cases, they would call themselves by whatever religion they identify with, whether it’s Buddhist, Christian, Hindu, Jewish, Muslim, Wiccan, et cetera.
For those who are conscious Luciferians, their beliefs might display in an outright worship and serving of Lucifer/Satan, and on the lower levels, some have been deceived into believing Lucifer and Satan are two separate beings: that Lucifer is the “good guy” and Satan is the “bad guy.” For others, they have been deceived into believing “Lucifer” is more of a symbol of enlightenment, and not necessarily a sentient being.
(The beliefs that some Satanists have follow along the same idea.)
However, for those who unconsciously hold to Luciferian beliefs, Luciferianism manifests more covertly in new-age, theosophical/gnostic ideas, and not so much as an outright worship of and serving of Lucifer.
But whether these Luciferian values and beliefs are overt or covert, conscious or unconscious, they will eventually lead much of mankind into an outright worship of Satan/Lucifer.
About Being a “Former Luciferian”
While this label of “former Luciferian” is more accurate than not, it’s hard for me to explain why it is true for a few important reasons.
1. First, because if much of my family and former acquaintances were to hear this description of me, they’d likely not believe it, and call me a liar. Or delusional. Or an attention-seeker. None of which are true, of course, but even the fear of unnecessary and unfair confrontation has made me want to shy away from trying to explain why I can call myself a “former Luciferian.”
2. It’s also hard to explain why I can call myself a “former Luciferian” because Luciferianism is not so much a religion (although for some, it is) as it is a set of values and beliefs that hold to theosophical, gnostic, “new-age” principles, as I’ve already briefly explained. No, I did not ever have membership at a “First Church of Lucifer,” or whatever other name that might be used. No, I did not grow up consciously worshiping and serving a spiritual being named “Lucifer.”
However, some Christians will practice Luciferianism without admitting it, and many practice it without even knowing it. And for the most part, consciously, this is how it was for me growing up: I didn’t realize that my belief system was not aligned with the Bible, because what I knew of Bible was what I had learned at church from birth (and also at home, in a more obscure but still influential way that can be more complicated to define). And what I had learned wasn’t sound Biblical doctrine, but was based on emotionalism, rules and doctrines of mankind, and unbiblical fear.
Furthermore, this so-called “Christian” environment that I had been saturated in since birth nourished particular motivators that were not of God. These motivators were:
● a focus on following others, rather than following Jesus Christ (man-centered, not God-centered)
⇒ Among other things, this kept me from seeking the truth of the Word of God for myself, and tied up in an unhealthy fear of mankind (the fear of going against what “God’s anointed” said, or what my parents told me to do or say), rather than a Scriptural and healthy fear of God.
● a focus on developing gifts and abilities
⇒ Many of my abilities were occult that had been passed down through the generations in my family, and since there was no clear differentiation between gifts of God and gifts that were occult, this motivating factor within the charismatic environment I grew up in encouraged those occult abilities.
⇒ I had many spiritual experiences that were not authored by God, but rather than seek to find freedom from those experiences, this motivating factor within the charismatic environment encouraged me to seek out more spiritual experiences. And because spiritual manifestations were equated with “anointing from God,” demonic manifestation that appeared to be of a “light” nature were seen as being of God, and were sought after, as well.
⇒ I had many experiences in traveling to “heavenly places” and “supernatural realms.” As a child, many of these experiences were precipitated by various types of programming that I was going through, as well as being pulled out of my body for teachings in the astral (this will be explained in a moment). As an adult, these travels continued, but this motivating factor within the charismatic environment encouraged these unscriptural travels, rather than leading me to find freedom from them.
● an ungodly focus on spiritual warfare
⇒ Because of this motivating factor within the charismatic movement, I didn’t know what true, Biblical warfare was supposed to be. So trying to find freedom from the negative effects of witchcraft by using an ungodly, charismatic-style “spiritual warfare,” was actually leading me into even more bondage, as this type of ungodly spiritual warfare is actually a type of witchcraft. And you can’t fight witchcraft with more witchcraft, expecting to find freedom from witchcraft. Not only is that not of God, but it’s not logical, either.
These charismatic motivators drove me to a type of spirituality that was not based on sound, Biblical doctrine, and served to fuel the deceptive Luciferian ideals that I and the many different parts of me held.
But because those beliefs were of a supposed “lighter, whiter, cleaner” nature than the “dark” parts of me, I didn’t recognize them as being evil or wrong. These were values and beliefs that, if I interpreted Scripture in just the right (wrong) way, they sounded and looked and felt Christian enough. So it “felt right” to me.
This is one huge reason why I was so deceived when I went through the damaging and dangerous “deliverance counseling” with Dan Duval of Bride Ministries: the Luciferian beliefs that he began encouraging within me, pulling out of me, and promoting and teaching to others, “felt right” to me. They were a product of the type of spirituality that I had been motivated by and immersed in my entire life, so it seemed normal to me, and I couldn’t understand or see why it was not of God and why it truly did not line up with Scripture that had been properly interpreted within context. And when all the Luciferian alters I had were added into the mix — those parts of me who had been trained and taught blatant, outright Luciferian doctrine in the supernatural — it seemed only natural that I would chase after and fully embrace those things that were fueled by those ungodly motivations within me.
Which leads to the next point . . . .
3. Because of the rituals and programming I went through, I came into contact with high-ranking demonic beings, and so there were parts of me who served Lucifer and worked alongside the demonic in various ways. It’s what they were trained for. But for myself, as the main person who was consciously living every day life, I did not. I served Jesus Christ — at least, who I thought was Jesus Christ — and as I have talked about before, any conscious recollection of what I was involved in supernaturally, I dissociated from them. The same thing was true for programming sessions and rituals: I dissociated from them.
I dissociated to the point that even memories I had of those rituals, sessions, or supernatural involvements, I didn’t see them as actually being memories, but as wicked or frightening thoughts. Or simply as my “wild imagination.” This is one reason why for most of my life, a lot of my childhood and teen years had huge chunks of missing time. In a way, it felt as if I had just barely existed, because, in spite of 20 or so years of being alive, I had few memories, comparatively speaking, that were safe enough to recognize as being memories.
And as I have already said before (and will say many more times before I’m finished writing about my life), this dissociation was also reinforced by my mother. Any time I expressed a thought or expressed a memory that she didn’t believe, that she didn’t remember, or that she was trying to hide or avoid thinking about, she accused me of one of three basic things: either I was lying, I was making things up because I simply had a “vivid imagination,” or I wasn’t remembering correctly and I was “misunderstanding.” If I insisted expressing a thought that she didn’t agree with, I would usually get beaten or physically accosted in some way, either specifically for expressing that thought, or over something else that came up that gave her an excuse to abuse me. So even when I knew the truth, I learned to not believe even myself.
I believe myself now, but this has been an ongoing process in my adult years that has taken sifting through the lies I had been told and that I had believed, piecing together the truth, and learning to trust myself, coming to the realization that just because my mother said I was lying or making things up or not remembering the “right way” (her way, in other words), that it’s not necessarily true. I, as an individual who is a separate being apart from my mother and other people, am entitled to my memories of my life, in the same way that everyone else is. To think otherwise is just absurd in the extreme. Mentally and emotionally abusive, even.
So it’s hard to explain to people that the Luciferian believes and values I had were partially because of dissociation, and because of the influence of those many parts of me who strongly identified as Luciferian and who served Lucifer.
The difficulty of living with these different parts of me — the Satanist parts, the Luciferian parts, and then the regular, Christian, “just me” who loved God with all my heart and wanted to do what was right — who all held to conflicting values and beliefs, is tough to satisfactorily explain to other people. It might sound as if I’m trying to excuse myself and not take ownership for what I did and for what I believed, but I’m not. I do take ownership for it, and I take ownership for every part of myself. This is all part of the healing process I have gone through, as I have briefly described already, and I have received much healing from my Heavenly Father. But while living with this mental, emotional, and spiritual chaos was difficult, explaining it to others now is just as difficult, but merely in a different way.
4. But the fourth reason why it’s hard to explain my Luciferian background with others is because I did not receive the same type of Luciferian teachings in the physical that other people sometimes receive. So it’s hard to give a logical, concrete explanation as to why I’m a “former Luciferian.”
For example, take my friend, Carolyn Hamlett: as a child, Carolyn learned a lot of Luciferian doctrine in the physical from her mother. There were other physical mentors, yes, but her mother’s teachings were foundational as well.
In contrast, my mother shared practically nothing with me about her spiritual views until I was in my mid-teens, and even then, the things she shared with me about her Luciferian values and beliefs were not something I recognized as being Luciferian because I didn’t know that Luciferianism was actually a “thing.” And these were thoughts and teachings that she shared sparingly over a period of time that spanned many years. So it was very subtle.
In many ways, I wish my mother just would have been open and honest with me about who we were and about her beliefs. But she wasn’t. It’s an odd thing to say, I suppose, but since I felt so disconnected from her as my mother, I feel that in some ways, it would have been nice to have a bond over something — anything! —even if it was Luciferian doctrine.
No, this wouldn’t have been a good thing, and I’m aware of that. But the point is, I’d have preferred the naked truth of who she was, rather than the lie that she lived and, by necessity of my own survival, forced me to live.
Having pondered the dynamics of our relationship over the years, I now realize that she didn’t share these things with me in large part because of certain character flaws she had: jealousy and arrogance, to be more specific. She liked to believe herself to be “more enlightened” and smarter than the average person (and by the way, although this is not an attitude that is isolated to only Luciferians, this is an attitude that is typical for those who hold to Luciferian values and beliefs). Therefore, if she shared her “special secret knowledge” with others around her, that would mean that they would be just as enlightened and as smart as she. And because she was (maybe still is . . . ?) a jealous person, she couldn’t have that. And since her jealousy was multiplied many times over towards me for reasons I still can’t figure out, she shared very little with me because she didn’t want me to know what she knew.
Ironically enough (and I don’t know if my mother was aware of this or not; probably not), but I was being taught Luciferian doctrine in the astral realms and had been since I was a young child, and I knew even more than the little that she shared with me. So now that I’ve been able to finally recognize my many memories as actually being memories rather than dissociate from then, I am able to piece together some of the things she has told me over the years and say, “Ah-ha! Yes, that is Luciferian teachings.”
For instance, some of the Luciferian beliefs she shared with me over the course of several years beginning in my teens were:
● She believed that much of the Bible is simply allegorical, including creation, the Garden of Eden, the fall of mankind in the garden, and even hell itself.
This is something that Luciferians do on a regular basis: they take literal Scripture and allegorize it, and take allegorical Scripture and give it a literal meaning. They do this in part because they are endlessly searching for that theosophical “hidden” gnosis.
● Although she didn’t delve too much into the subject, it seemed that she believed Satan was very weak — almost like a cartoon version of a type of dark evil that represented the weakness of lesser individuals. I do think she believed that Satan was real. But just that he was weak and of no consequence. It’s telling, though, that any real talk of Satan would agitate and frighten her.
According to what she shared with me, however, she indicated that she believed there to be a difference between Satan and Lucifer, whom she sometimes referred to as the “morning star.” She didn’t talk about this a lot, but she seemed to regard Lucifer as a spiritual being of beauty and power, and suggested it was possible that Lucifer and God had had a little “misunderstanding” between the two of them, and that at some point, all would be forgiven between the two parties.
(It’s possible that these were just “passing thoughts” that my mother shared with me, and not her true beliefs, but I’m just taking what she said at face value. I never asked her what she meant and I never asked her to clarify her thoughts, because by that time, I had learned well the painful consequences of questioning her.)
● She very much believed in the spiritual philosophy that, while there were different paths up a mountain, they were all paths that were on that mountain, and all paths would lead to the top. She would sometimes put it this way: “We are all God’s children.”
This is speaking to a Luciferian idea coming from mystic religions that “all paths lead to ‘God.'”
And this belief, coupled with her belief that Lucifer and God would eventually patch things up, leads to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter who people follow, whether it is Lucifer or Creator God, because in the end, all misunderstandings will be cleared up, and everyone will live happily ever after.
On the other hand, some parts of me were taught in the astral realms that there is no evil or good, wrong or right, but these are concepts that live in the mind of those individuals who have a lesser understanding of the universal unity of all things. There are simply choices that we make, and the only “wrong” choice is to make no choice at all. (This is similar to the beliefs the Satanic parts of me held, except with more of a theosophical, “light” bent that the Satanic sides of me didn’t have, I suppose you could say.) Therefore, there is no misunderstanding between Lucifer and God, and the only struggle that exists in this regard is within mankind themselves to decide which “god” they will serve. But if they were even more enlightened, they’d realize that it’s all one path towards a singular, yet all encompassing “divine truth” that is everything and everywhere, embodied in the being known as “Lucifer,” and so the true struggle within ourselves is to understand “divine truth.” And when Christ (the many “Christs” unified together) appears to bring the end of this age and the beginning of the next, all those who chose one side of this spiritual path will live together in one vast universe (“one side of the mountain”), and those who chose the other side of this singular spiritual path will live together in a different vast universe (“the other side of the mountain”), and everyone will live in peace and harmony.
The conclusion of this line of reasoning is that it doesn’t matter who or what people serve, because everything is “one,” anyway, and all paths are but a singular path that leads to this “divine one-ness” that is reflected inside each of us.
And of course, this ridiculous Luciferian gibberish is not Biblical at all (nor is it even logical), but it does, in its own way, match up with my mother’s ideas that “we are all God’s children” and it doesn’t matter who we serve or what path we take, because all paths lead to God.
But as other parts of me learned, the same as those who “ascend to higher levels of illumination” learn, it does matter who we serve because Satan is warring against Creator God, and he truly believes he will win in the end. There are no plans for or expectations of a cosmic, last minute reconciliation.
And even if there were hopes of reconciliation (there aren’t, but for the sake of argument . . .), it’s not going to happen. Salvation is for mankind, not for the angels — fallen or not.
● Related to my mother’s cursory dismissal of Satan, she also privately claimed to have a certain “disbelief” in demons. Not an outright disbelief, but along the same lines as how she felt about Satan: that the only power demons had was the power that weak, paranoid individuals gave them, and if you didn’t think about them, they wouldn’t hurt you or come against you. However, there was a least a part of her who believed in demons, because as much as she tried to brush aside demonic activity as being “in the imagination of the weak and paranoid,” she was scared to death to talk about any real demonic activity that occurred in our life. Therefore, I seriously doubt her claims to not believe in the power of the demonic.
She did, however, believe that she had “angel guides” that helped her and others around her. Of course, this is not a Biblical concept, either, and when people talk about this, the “angelic beings” that are guiding them are actually demonic beings that have disguised themselves as beautiful angels. Since my mother didn’t talk a lot about her “angels,” I don’t know to what extent she was actually guided by such false messengers, but she expressed belief in these guides.
● Several years ago, my mother told me that she believes her salvation came through childbirth, and of course, the way she described this “salvation” was allegorical in nature.
The birth of her third child, and his death that followed several minutes later, was a traumatic event that I witnessed. She expressed to me in so many words that because she was brought to a place where she allowed God to take her child (in other words, she “submitted to God’s will”), that this was symbolic of her ultimate submission to His will for her entire life, and that this symbolic act of submission equaled her salvation.
She didn’t express that she actually did surrender or submit herself to God, but that the act of surrendering her child was symbolic of surrendering herself. Considering that she believes hell to be allegorical, then it makes sense that her “salvation” would be allegorical as well.
While the grief and pain that a mother goes through during this time of child birth-and-death can never be understood by anyone except those who have gone through this experience, it can also never be equated to salvation. And this “salvation through childbirth” is an occult concept, coming from an interpretation of 1 Timothy 2:15 that has not been properly exegeted. Eternal salvation from our sin and from the results of our sin (death), comes through Jesus Christ alone, not through childbirth.
● She believes in the “big bang” theory in the fact that she believes “God exploded outwards” (the “big bang”), and from Him everything came into existence. How is this Luciferian? Well, first of all, it’s not Scriptural, and it’s applying allegorical interpretation to the literal creation account as recorded in Genesis 1. The Bible says that God SPOKE things into existence, not that He exploded with a cosmic bang. Furthermore, this is speaking to the over-reaching Luciferian idea that everything is essentially “god,” (or, “divine truth”) who is “reflecting” in each part of the whole, and each part of the whole is a reflection of “god” (“divine truth”). Different religions will use different terms, but it points to the same Luciferian concept.
This is what parts of me were taught in the astral, and it is a fundamental idea behind emanationism, as well as theosophy and gnosticism (these are Luciferian philosophies).
(If you’ve read the book Carolyn and I wrote, you’d understand what this emanationism is, how it’s related to “quantum spirituality,” also known as “fractal spirituality,” why these doctrines of demons are unbiblical to the extreme, and how they are leading people into a perpetual delusion.)
Those who know my mother would likely be shocked that she believes these things, and probably would not believe me, because she has rarely, to my knowledge, spoken of these things in front of other Christians or in front of those people with whom she has gone to church. And even my mother would likely call me a liar for saying this about her, or would insist that I have somehow “misunderstood” the things that she’s told me throughout the years.
Of course . . . 😉
Regardless, these are some of her beliefs that she has shared with me throughout the years, and they are clearly Luciferian.
To some, it might seem unbelievable that I didn’t know my stepfather was a Satanist nor my mother a Luciferian, but as a child, my life was simply my life. I had nothing or no one to compare my experiences with, so I didn’t know that my mother and her husband were lying and hiding the truth about themselves from everyone around. And even if I had known they were lying, I would have kept it secret and hidden anyway, because such is the life of abused children: for emotional, mental, and physical survival, we learn to keep silent, because the only thing that matters is hiding the truth so that everyone can be happy with the lie. Not only are we taught that our voice doesn’t matter, but even worse: we are taught that we don’t even have a voice at all. So we keep silent, convinced, through abuse, that we have no choice.
So I accepted things that happened and accepted the things that I was told, because I had no choice but to accept it. It was very much a matter of survival.
When I was told I was “Apostolic Pentecostal” (and later, simply “Christian”), that is what I believed (and truly believed in my heart), until I grew older and started realizing that these things weren’t actually true. I was raised to have the appearance of a “Christian,” and in this way, you could say it was my “cover.” But unlike some people, such as my friend Carolyn who I mentioned earlier, who are raised with a conscious awareness of their “cover,” I was not raised this way. I didn’t realize my life had basically been a lie until much, much later.
So while my mother did share a few key things with me as an older child and as an adult, for the most part, I had no teaching in the physical, and was taught Luciferian doctrines in the astral by other teachers, some of whom were the fallen. And of the things my mother told me, I wasn’t aware until a few years ago that she was expressing Luciferian values.
So since I didn’t grow up with a conscious awareness that I was being taught Luciferian doctrine, it’s difficult to apply this term of “former Luciferian” to myself.
However, even though I did not consciously serve Lucifer/Satan, and even though I was not a member of any organized Luciferian congregation, “former Luciferian” is a term that is an honest description of my former spiritual beliefs. Although, I prefer the term “former charismatic occultist.” It seems more accurate.
About Being a “Former Illuminist”
I have never used the phrase “former Illuminist” to describe myself, but after reflecting on certain aspects about my history and experiences, on one level this is a true statement.
However, when many others hear this phrase or use this phrase, they automatically think about or are alluding to the “Illuminati,” and being described as someone who is a “former Illuminati member” feels to me to be a ridiculous statement.
So for this sole reason of being thought of as a “former Illuminati member,” I do not feel comfortable being called a “former Illuminist.”
However, the following things are true about me and my background:
1. I don’t know much about my extended family nor about my ancestry, but I do know that my great-grandmother (my mother’s father’s mother) was Luciferian, and she would have likely called herself an “Illuminist” because she considered herself “enlightened.”
(“Enlightened” is a common descriptive term used by Luciferians/Illuminists, and my mother has used this word to describe herself, as well.)
My great-grandmother studied the esoteric teachings of people such as Alice A. Bailey and Edgar Cayce. She didn’t call herself a Luciferian, however, from what I’ve been told (although, perhaps she did, and I just don’t know about it), but from what I understand, she considered herself to be a “Theosophist.” But . . . same thing.
And to her, like with so many others, “theosophy” was compatible with her “christianity,” so she had no problem calling herself by either label: a Theosophist as well as a Christian.
So while my great-grandmother might have used the word “Illuminist” to describe herself (and possibly my mother, too, although I’d honestly be surprised if she did), I haven’t and I wouldn’t.
2. I am descended from particular bloodlines that, according to some people, are “Illuminati bloodlines”— assuming, of course, that the little I was told about my genealogy is actually the truth. It could be a lie, for all I know, which in that case, I’m not descended from so-called “Illuminati bloodlines.”
But while my maternal grandfather had spoken to me in general terms about the importance of our bloodlines and of keeping them pure (something that I thought at the time were odd things for him to say), I don’t recall him ever using the terms “Illuminist” or “Illuminati.” I also never heard anyone in my family use these words.
There are also connections on both sides of my family to certain key people who were central to the history of the State I reside in, and, as a result, the country I live in, but I never heard the words “Illuminist” or “Illuminati” used to describe them, either.
3. I didn’t have what most people consider to be a “rich, lavish lifestyle of the Illuminati.” For the most part, I grew up in a poor, working-class household, by Americanized standards, at any rate. I found out later, however, in my teen years, that my mother had a lot more money than she let on, and I, as her child, could have lived a little more comfortably with at least decent clothes and better medical care. But for whatever reasons she had, she usually chose to pretend to be poorer than she actually was, and every so often, I would overhear snippets of conversation between other family members, laughing about how ridiculous it was that my mother played the pauper when it was obvious that she had much more money than she claimed.
I did have family members who were quite wealthy, however. For instance, my maternal grandfather was very rich until the oil business went bust in the 1980’s, and through those oil connections, he had interactions with certain “illustrious” political families that are considered by some to be “Illuminati” families. But for much of my early childhood through preadolescence, I grew up away from his influence — was, in fact, disconnected from much of my extended family — and I knew nothing of what is generally considered to be the “luxurious lifestyle of the Illuminati.”
4. I was taught in the astral about “illumination and enlightenment,” but I wasn’t taught these things in the physical. Therefore, I don’t feel comfortable using the term “former Illuminist” to describe myself, especially since people associate “illuminists” with “Illuminati.” And while there are some who practically fall over themselves trying to classify themselves as a “former Illuminati member,” it doesn’t sit well with me.
So while this label might apply to me on one level, it just feels odd to describe myself in such a way. It doesn’t feel comfortable.
Yes, I was taken to Satanic rituals as a child, but no, I was not raised to be a Satanist. Therefore, the label “former Satanist” is incorrect.
Yes, I held to Luciferian beliefs and values, so it’s more correct than not to call myself a “former Luciferian,” but I never called myself a “Luciferian” growing up, and I never held membership with or attended any physical Luciferian church. And while I did work within the spiritual organization, I never belonged to any physical Luciferian organization.
Yes, I have bloodline connections to what people consider to be “Illuminati families,” but I was not raised to be “Illuminati,” I don’t recall ever hearing that term growing up, nor was my way of life characteristic of what most people regard as being an “Illuminati lifestyle.” So I don’t like the label of “former illuminist.” It makes it sound like I’m a “former Illuminati member,” and it just sounds more grandiose than the reality of my life.
So, if people need to have a label in order to categorize me and place me in a particular box of social understanding, I don’t have an adequate label for them to use.
Sorry ’bout that. 🙂
Here’s the best way I describe myself: I am an individual who grew up thinking she was Christian, but held to a Luciferian, theosophical belief system without recognizing it for what it was, and was programmed and used mostly in the supernatural to infiltrate Christian churches and groups.
I don’t suppose that sounds very glamorous, and it is awfully wordy, so as far as labels go, it’s not very efficient. But there it is.
That said, “former charismatic occultist” would probably be the more accurate term to use, in my opinion, but if people want to call me “former Luciferian,” it would not be an untrue or exaggerated statement.
This chapter has been slightly adapted from an article I wrote on March 2018. To the read the original article, please go to:
See also: “Setting the Record Straight: ‘Former Illuminati’“