Several months ago, I wrote a blog post that I titled “Serve Him Only.”
I hope you can take some time to read that post before you read this one (or at the least, after you read this one), but regardless, in that post, I talked a little about some struggles I have been dealing with for quite some time now.
“But since the Father opened my eyes a few years ago to the witchcraft I was involved in, and I repented and left all that garbage behind, I have been dealing with a constant campaign of harassment and temptation by the demonic ever since. Every once in a while, there is human involvement. But for the most part, it’s been strictly the demonic.
This doesn’t happen every day, no. But generally, every several weeks or so, there is yet another campaign sent against me, where I’m dealing with yet another wave of activity that can last anywhere from a few hours to several days, as they harass me… or threaten me… or tempt me… or try to bribe and coerce me… or try to reprogram me.
And then they usually leave me alone for several weeks, until they come against me again.
There’s no need to get into details, really (although, if it’s ever appropriate to relate more fully at some point in the future, I guess I probably will), but it’s been wearing me out mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.”
Now is the time to come out with a few more details.
This isn’t ever easy for me to talk about, for many reasons, one being that I realize that by confessing these things, I’m likely to open myself up to unfair judgement from people who don’t understand. And aside from the possibility of backlash, it’s also just plain embarrassing on so many different levels.
Most importantly, however, I don’t want to take attention away from the solution (the truth of the Word of God) by highlighting the struggles I have had against the demonic, and the struggles I’ve had with those parts of me who have not been in alignment with God’s Word, namely the Luciferian alters who came from that part in my system called “the grid,” and in particular Starla, who seems to be in charge of that whole group. (I wrote about this in the chapter of my bio titled: “Snapshot #9: Systems and the Grid.”)
Note: for those of you reading who may not know me, I have a dissociative disorder, which is why I sometimes refer to “parts of me,” or to “alters,” and to my “system.” To understand more about this, please read this short overview that explains a little about dissociation, and read my bio for even more detail.
As I submit to the work of the Spirit of God — which is a daily process we all should be going through as Christians, dissociative or not, and one that will never end until our life on this earth is over — He is bringing healing to me and to every part of me. So when I talk about the struggles I have with certain things, it’s usually with the intention to share how the Father is delivering me, which is the point of this blog post, too.
And I certainly don’t want take away from the message that Carolyn and I have worked so hard to put out over the several years of working together after the Father delivered us from deception, which is basically this: that true deliverance is a process that is found by daily walking in obedience to and in submission to the work of His Spirit and to His Word (the Bible).
Additionally, I have no desire to debate those who don’t believe my testimony, nor do I enjoy being put in the position whereby I feel I need to defend my testimony, and so I rarely do either one of those things, aside from what I write on my blog, whether debate or defend, although occasionally I will.
Besides all that, I don’t like to over-discuss the sensational. Yes, I do talk about some things on this blog and on the joint website with Carolyn, because it’s part of my experiences, but I’m no longer comfortable publicly going into too many details unless I feel it’s absolutely necessary. I’d rather stay grounded in the physical, which is where God has intended us to be for this time. The only people I really share much of concerning those “sensational” things is with Carolyn, usually my husband, and occasionally my children, when it’s appropriate, because I know they won’t go off on a tangent with the conversation and take it to a place that isn’t of God.
But by sharing more details in this blog post, I hope to illustrate not only the intensity with which Satan is attempting to deceive Christians, but more importantly, to illustrate the power of the grace of God to not only deliver us from such deception, but to also bring healing and peace and reconciliation to every part of me.
When I wrote the article, “Serve Him Only,” it was after a very troubling encounter I had had in the darkness of early morning just days earlier.
As I shared in the blog post, I had reached a breaking point.
I was just worn out.
I was tired of struggling, not just with my own flesh (as we all struggle, of course), but also struggling with the trials that come with caring for an adult son who has a mental illness, as well as my own mental health issues due to dissociation.
I was tired of struggling with depression, which has been a pretty constant companion since I was a child.
Tired of struggling with the memories of horrific things that happened to me as a child.
Weary of the constant struggle against the very strong desires of Starla and the other Luciferian parts of me who were absolutely convinced that they were created to work against God, and that to not work for Satan was to go against God’s will.
Worn out from struggling against demonic attack and harassment to one degree or another.
And all of this culminated in a struggle against my own desires to give in to the pretty much constant pressure from both within and without, and to surrender to the increasing temptation, because I was starting to think that was my only option and was beginning to wonder, “Could it be this is what God wants anyway…? What if He really has predestined me for this…? Would it be so bad, after all…? Why am I fighting against it if it’s what God has ordained for me…?“
I wrote about the ongoing struggles I’ve had with this line of reasoning in the blog post titled “Is God Both Sovereign and Good?“
What a mess that doctrine of predestination had made of me, and it played right into the hand of the enemy! But it was something I couldn’t completely let go of, even though I had struggled against it for a very long time. It had been a part of me since I was a child, and it was hard to just separate myself from that idea, because religious programming/brainwashing is a very powerful thing. And I’m not just talking about the “professional” type of religious programming (which was a part of it, sure), but the everyday false teachings I had been soaking in since birth, which is a type of religious programming, often called “brainwashing” or “indoctrination”. When you add in erroneous and elitist teachings concerning salvation and predestination and “the elect” that I had been taught growing up, and then top it with the even stronger and insidious Calvinistic teachings about the meaning of predestination, it all combined for a potent weapon for the enemy to use against me to try to lure me (or threaten me) into going back to working alongside them.
So it was a real struggle to not just give in to the pressure and the temptation and go for what I strongly believed in my heart of hearts was what God had destined for me anyway. Sometimes the only thing keeping me from doing just that were thoughts of my husband and children and the repercussions they would surely experience as as result …
(I knew that at the least, the demonic would begin trying to recruit them, as well, and I didn’t want that for them)
… as well as thoughts about how much it would break Carolyn’s heart, not to mention likely wreak havoc on her testimony. And I couldn’t do that to her. I couldn’t do that to any of them!
And again, not to highlight the negative, but just to give you an idea of some of the things I was dealing with (and will hopefully not ever deal with again to this degree, but I don’t know what tomorrow brings, so I can’t say what I will struggle with in the future), I was dealing with people harassing me in the astral, and with being taken by the demonic (what some people call “abduction” or “alien abduction,” but I don’t call it that because the public perception surrounding that phrase tends to not be accurate), and depending upon what the point of that particular campaign was against me, various things were happening.
⇒ Sometimes there were attempts to reprogram me by taking me to a type of “heavenly place,” or to one of the astral schools the demonic, with the assistance of willing humans, have set up just for the purpose of programming/reprogramming (they sometimes call it “train” or “teach,” however, but it’s all very much like programming … indoctrination, if you will).
Note: some charismatic-minded “christian” groups have these same types of astral schools set up as well, but they try to fool people into believing that it’s not the same thing as occult astral schools … but there is no difference! It’s all demonic!
Because I still struggle with dissociation, I wasn’t always immediately aware of being in a different place, but when I realized what was going on, I would actively resist, and cry to the Father for help, submitting the problem to Him and asking for His will to be accomplished, and I was able to gain control of myself again and leave that place, coming back home.
Sometimes I would just sit up and say, “No! I’m not doing this!” And I would find myself back home, where I belonged.
Sometimes I was in whatever place they had taken me long enough to warn the others who were there that the “light beings” that were teaching them weren’t good but were evil, and to share the truth of the gospel. In those instances, I was practically pushed out, as no one there wanted to hear that message, least of all the demonic beings who were there.
⇒ Sometimes the Luciferian parts of me were being taken out to go astral traveling, as an attempt to entice me (myself, who makes conscious decisions) to continue as I had been before God opened my eyes to the “christian” witchcraft I had been involved with, and delivered me from that deception.
When I would become aware of this happening, I would resist, and the grace of God allowed me to take back control of my body and come back to myself. Then I would repent, submitting myself and every part of myself to Him and to His will, and do my best to continue walking in His path. But the constant battle against this became increasingly difficult to deal with, and I had to constantly and verbally submit all of myself to God’s will, and verbally declare that all of me would walk in obedience to His Word, no matter how we felt.
⇒ Sometimes I was taken out and enticed sexually, or other parts of me were being taken out and enticed in such a manner. Each time, I would resist and cry out to the Father, submitting myself and the situation to Him and asking for His will to be done, and He would save me from that situation. But it would leave me shaken and feeling filthy for a long time afterwards.
⇒ Other times, I, or parts of me, would be taken out of my body and raped as a form of punishment for not doing as the demonic wanted me to do and for refusing to go along with their plans.
It was terrifying and horrible.
One awful incident I can’t forget (I wish I could forget!!) occurred when I was writing the blog article, “Meditation and Yoga: a Deeper Look into Occult Practices that are Deceiving Christians Today.”
Oh boy, were they mad about me writing that one!
I tried to make light of the assault in the article and to brush it off …
(I thought, at the time, that was a better approach, and I still believe that was best)
… but it was a dreadful experience. And when they viciously attacked, I did what I have learned to do: I cried out to the Father to help me, submitted to Him and asked for His will to be done. And when He rescued me from the grip of the demonic and I began to calm down …
(a calming process that took a while, even after I came back inside my own body, because it was so traumatizing and triggering in a way that is difficult to describe without becoming unnecessarily graphic)
… I pulled myself together and started working on the article again.
What else was there to do? They had attempted their worst (at that point, anyway), and I had to keep on keeping on.
⇒ Once, when the threat of death from the day before didn’t work (because God had delivered me from their hand), the demonic used an individual, through dream insertion, to try to scare me into not writing any more articles.
My response was this blog post: “God Gets the Last Word.”
Of course, being harassed by or attempted to be coerced by demonically-led people who are working in the astral, isn’t something new I’ve had to deal with. That happens periodically. Sometimes it involves self-professed “christians” I used to be acquainted with who are still practicing the occult (yet still daring to claim it’s of God), but it’s often strangers.
In fact, it happened to both Carolyn and I when we were writing our book: on the same night, the same woman inserted herself into our dreams.
Note: in case it isn’t clear by now, neither Carolyn or I engage ourselves in dream insertion, but sometimes we are on the receiving end of such an unwelcome invasion, as described in this blog post.
I’m not sure who she went to first, me or Carolyn, but we both made sure she knew that her visit was not welcomed. Even still, she did her best to try to convince us that what we were writing about concerning gateways (I think it was) wasn’t correct … and that we “just don’t understand” … and that she had the correct information for us, if we would just listen to her…
(if her using dream insertion to try to grab our attention wasn’t enough of a red-flag to warn us to not listen to her, that would have been another one: her insisting that we not go to God’s written Word to discern between truth and lie… but instead, she wanted us to give precedence to her words)
… and she kept flapping her papers in our faces, trying to get us to read her version of “truth” concerning the unbiblical doctrine on “gateways.”
Of course, I didn’t know all this was happening to Carolyn, too, nor did she know it was happening to me, but when we talked the next day, we were both flabbergasted.
Note: I’ve learned that when people intrude in that way — through dream insertion or other types of astral travel/remote viewing — I use the same Biblical principles I have been writing about for some time now: I submit the problem to the Father and ask for His will to be done. Then I proceed to ignore the person and they eventually leave.
I also usually (but not always) take the time to pray for that person who is being used by the demonic in such a way, asking the Father if He would have mercy on them and open the eyes of their understanding to the Truth in His written Word, and pray that they will repent of their witchcraft and come to salvation.
⇒ And then once, as I briefly mentioned in another blog post, I was taken to meet the being who is supposed to be the future chosen world leader.
Note: I say “supposed to be,” because I don’t know if it’s actually true or not, and the demonic are liars anyway. So anything they have ever shown me or told me or “transmitted” to me (that’s a whole other blog post to explain what I mean by that word) is suspect, and I would never share as if what they have told me or shown me is actually true. It’s just a possibility that may or may not actually take place.
For a better explanation, please refer the section titled “A Warning About Deception and How it Works Within Satan’s Spiritual Hierarchy” on this blog article: “Three Days & Nights of Darkness and Why This Lie is Being Spread“
Furthermore, I’m calling him a “being” because I don’t know if he was a demonic being who had taken on a fleshly form, or if he was a human being who had been completely taken over by the demonic as a walk-in. At the time, it seemed to me that he was a demonic being who had taken on a fleshly form, perhaps via some type of hybrid breeding program, but I wasn’t sure then and I’m not sure now, and whatever the case, it doesn’t matter.
Even though I was taken against my will, I’m still not proud of that encounter. It’s something I wish I never would have had to deal with, and it’s embarrassing to discuss, but I will give a little bit of detail. Too much detail is pointless, however. (Refer to the above note for the explanation as to why I say this.)
So, the astral meeting lasted several days.
Note: it was several days in the astral, but only several hours passed in the physical. I have no scientific explanation for this, but time seems to run differently in dimensions outside of this earthly one. I could be wrong, but that’s just my observation based upon what I’ve experienced.
I was first shown a specific world event they (the demonic) are planning on creating and using to bring about their desired outcome of putting their world leader and their global agenda into place; then I was threatened by being shown how I would die if I did not fall in line with this agenda; then I was “wooed,” so to speak, over the next few days, and promised position, fortune, and eternal companionship … if I would but stop what I was currently doing of exposing the deceptions of the enemy and pointing to God’s Word as being the Truth … and if I would start working for them instead of against them.
I’m ashamed to say that, even though saying “no” was relatively easy, it was a decision that left me feeling heartbroken afterwards.
I won’t go into too much detail, because it’s horribly embarrassing, but it’s sufficient to say that the being was very beautiful and very persuasive, and stirred up those Luciferian alters I had who were 100% convinced they should be doing Lucifer’s work (Satan’s work), and not God’s work… and as a result, stirred up me, too.
So the past few years, I’ve basically been just trying to keep going, one day at a time, one step at a time, one breath at a time, and trust that I am in God’s hands, no matter what comes my way.
But back to my point….
When I wrote the blog, “Serve Him Only,” it was after a very troubling encounter I had had several days earlier, in the darkness of early morning. I had come to a point where I felt overwhelmed, not only by life in general, but also by demonic attack and by the Luciferian parts of me who kept loudly insisting (particularly after such attacks) that we were created to be against God, practically mocking me as they tried to reason, “working against God is what His will is for us.”
While I didn’t go into any more detail in that earlier blog post, what happened is that as I began to cry out to the Father to help me and to save me and to somehow ease the anguish in my mind — as I once again submitted myself and every part of myself to Him and to His will — I thought I heard the Spirit of God speak to my heart, in a quiet voice.
Part of it was about my struggles with “predestination” and if God truly had created me to work against Him, but I don’t recall much about the impressions I got in my heart and mind except that God’s mercy is available to all of mankind.
(Although many will reject it.)
The other part I thought I heard God saying to me was a reminder that Jesus Christ Himself was tempted by Satan, and I remembered Jesus’s response: “Worship the Lord your God and serve Him only.”
The feeling I got from that reminder was that I shouldn’t be surprised when I go through the same, or similar, and that thought was what I based my resulting blog post upon (“Serve Him Only“).
Now, I didn’t take my “feelings” as being evidence of what was truth, and I did not immediately accept those “impressions” as being from God, because years ago, before the Spirit of God opened my eyes to the deception I had fallen prey to, I had been fooled before by spirits who were mimicking the voice of God.
So instead, I thought to myself, “I will go to the Bible and study it to see if it is true.”
Before I had a chance to do just that, however, I was immediately in a different place, standing before a huge, beautiful, bright being who radiated such astonishing light. With that light — the light itself, it seemed! — was love … and peace … and joy … and pureness … as I had never before known! And even more than those things, it was a completeness — a wholeness — and a belonging that filled every part of me. The fulfillment of my every desire, and so much more, was towering in front of me, and I couldn’t imagine ever even wanting to be in any other place, except there at his feet. I felt there was nothing more I would ever need, and I thought that if I never did another thing for all of eternity, just being in his presence — standing right there, basking in his light — would have been enough. I didn’t want anything else. Nothing else mattered! Just him.
I was so certain of who it was, I didn’t even have to think about it! I fell to my knees, nearly weeping with such overwhelming joy, as my heart cried out, “Jesus!”
After a few moments of just sitting there, bathing in the radiance of his presence, I asked, “Can you show me what it will look like when you return?” because I wasn’t sure if I’d be alive to see such an event, and I wanted to know what it would look like.
I was shown a bright, pearly radiance that began at the horizon, almost as if the sun were beginning to rise, and the light began to crescendo, eventually filling the entire sky with a blinding radiance.
Then I was pulled away from the vision and away from the light being, and found myself back inside my body again.
I started crying.
I wanted so badly to go back and sit again at the feet of the being that I had believed with all my heart was Jesus, so I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to force myself to be there again.
(oh, it’s utterly shameful how quickly nasty old habits can come back…! 🙁)
A few minutes later, while standing in my kitchen making food preparations, still marveling over the unexpected and beautifully wonderful spiritual experience I had just had, and wishing I could go back, the words of Scripture came to my remembrance:
If anyone says to you, ‘Look, here is the Christ!’ or ‘There He is!’ do not believe it.Mark 13:21, as well as Matthew 24:23 and Luke 21:18
My heart sank into immediate despair as I realized the deception I had nearly fallen for. Had, in fact, fallen for, even if just for a few minutes!
The love I had felt? The peace? The joy? The seeming purity of the radiant light that had surrounded me and had made me feel fulfilled and complete and whole, and that I finally belonged? The absolute certainly that it was Jesus…?
That wasn’t Jesus?!
That was a false Christ?!
Oh, but how could it be Jesus Christ? It couldn’t have been! Scripture shows us that Jesus Christ Himself told us — warned us — to not be taken in by those who come in His name, claiming to be Him!
And if I claimed to believe Scripture, and that it is true …
(and I do)
… then I couldn’t believe my own experience, regardless of how it made me “feel”!
If I claimed to believe in and follow Jesus Christ …
(and I do)
… then I couldn’t follow another!
I couldn’t have it both ways, and for the past several years, haven’t Carolyn and I been reminding people of this very thing?!
That day in my kitchen I cried, “Oh my God, forgive me!”
I was so ashamed (and I’m still ashamed in writing this, because now everyone can see my shame, too).
How could I have fallen for it?!
And then I became deeply troubled, as fear and doubt crept in.
What did it mean?
First I had been praying to the Father, as His Word instructs, then I thought I heard His voice, in a manner of speaking …
(I hadn’t yet had time to go to the Bible, however, as I had intended, in order to compare what I thought I heard/felt to what God’s Word actually says, and by that time, meeting the light being had side-tracked me from that mission, anyway)
… and then all the sudden I was meeting an antichrist…!? Probably even Lucifer (Satan) himself, but I wasn’t completely sure; although … my heart did know the truth. I just had a hard time comprehending it at that point.
It was just all so baffling and confusing. How did I get from one to the other, and so quickly? Would it happen again? Would I be able to tell the difference if it happened again? What if the second time around (if it happened again), I would be completely and utterly fooled? What made me think I wouldn’t fall prey to the deception the second time around, if I fell prey to the deception the first time around?
Fear and confusion wrapped around me like an icy wet blanket, as the voices of the Luciferian parts of me began with even more earnest trying to convince me that God had created me to work against Him, and all the while, memories of what I had experienced with that false Christ played within my mind, over and over again, making a mockery of any feeble protests I tried to make.
For several days, the inner voices of those other parts of me (the Luciferian parts) tried their best to coerce me into giving up my fight, and I almost gave in.
Then one night, a man inserted himself into one of my dreams.
He asked me, “What did you think of him?”
I just stared at him, shocked. I immediately knew who he was talking about and to what event he was referring, but I pretended like I didn’t.
Instead of ignoring him, like I should have, and waking up to get away from him, like I should have, and then praying and asking the Father to take care of the situation in whatever way is in accordance with His will, like I should have, I instead feigned stupidity and asked the man, “What do you mean? Think of who? What are you talking about?”
“Him!” he exclaimed. “The Most Illumined of All!”
I had known that’s who he was talking about, but I didn’t expect those exact words to come out of his mouth. In fact, I was shocked that he was actually bearing witness to the fact that the light being I had been introduced to was not of God, but was, in fact, Satan himself.
Oh, he wasn’t meaning to, I don’t imagine. I imagine his intention — his mission, if you will — was to encourage me to follow that false Christ, and not to blatantly declare and reveal who that deceptive being was (although, after the words of the True Jesus Christ, as is recorded in Scripture, had come to my mind days before, I had already known in my heart who that “light being” had really been).
I continued staring at the man for a moment longer, then I shook my head sadly and turned around and walked away without another word.
I was afraid to pray, like I had been used to doing, and submit the problem to God, asking Him to take care of the situation with the dream insertion in whatever way was in accordance with His will, so I just ignored the intruder and woke up.
What I had known all along had just been confirmed in the strangest way, and I knew what was right. I could not serve a false Christ, no matter if my Luciferian alters (and Calvinistic-minded Christians) were right about predestination or not.
Even though I was still confused and fearful (and a bit angry, too, at having my dreams invaded again), I managed to write a response, “Serve Him Only,” although at that point, it was a response that was totally written on faith, because my mind and emotions were still a jumbled mess.
Note: in case you, the reader, do not know, “The Most Illumined of All” is a term that some Luciferians use as a description of Lucifer, who they believe is a spiritual being that is more illumined than any other being that has ever been or ever will be (they put a lot of stock in what they consider to be “illumination“).
More than that, even, it’s a title that Lucifer — Satan — has that describes his office within the capacity of deceiving others into believing he is Jesus Christ.
Of course, at first you don’t realize that “The Most Illumined of All” is Satan/Lucifer and not Jesus Christ, unless you come to a “full illumination” (according to Luciferians) whereby you eventually come to realize you are not working for Jesus Christ, but for Satan. They — the demonic and the people working alongside the demonic — won’t outright tell you this, but the truth becomes clear as time goes on, although by that time, they (the demonic and those working for them) are counting on the deception being so strong that you literally will not be able to pull yourself away, nor will you even want to. See 2 Thessalonians 2 as an example of how strong this delusion is and will be.
(And to be clear: you don’t have to hear the testimony of people such as Carolyn or myself to be warned away from this particular deception. Neither do you need to go through your own supposed “full illumination” in order to see this deception for what it really is. All you need is the Bible, as Scripture warns us, over and over again, about these types of deceptions.)
Carolyn has spoken before of her experiences with this “Most Illumined of All” (although some people have taken her testimony and twisted it to try to make it seem as if she has said things that she has not said in the past, but she will correct those things as she has the energy to do so), and although neither one of us were explicitly told this by the demonic during our past time of working alongside them, it is our belief, after having processed our own separate experiences, that he (Lucifer/Satan), putting on the deceptive cloak of “The Most Illumined of All,” will openly and publicly reveal himself to be “Jesus Christ,” making him to be the final antichrist. The deception will be so great that it will cause others (including self-proclaimed “christians”!!!) to incorrectly believe he is Jesus Christ, and many will accept him as the embodiment of Jesus, Buddha, and other so-called “highly evolved Ascended Masters,” and will worship him, falling into alignment with his plan, the truth of which will not be revealed to them until it is too late.
Anyway … even though, unlike Carolyn, I was not working for Satan when I met this “most illumined of all”, they have been actively trying to recruit me back over the past few years, as I have been very open and transparent about on this blog and on the blog I share with Carolyn, and the Luciferian alters I had were keeping this door open (as I’ve also been very open and transparent about, as embarrassing as it has been), and I’ve since realized that this was the reason for the push to try to convince me to work alongside them again, by causing me to meet this “most illumined of all.”
Fast-forward to sometime last month (as of this writing, that would be August of 2020): I was still struggling with the whole idea of predestination and beginning to truly believe that God had created me to work for Satan. I had pretty much stopped writing, for reasons that I believe are obvious, the least of which begins with “hypo” and ends with “critical.”
That’s how I felt about it, anyway.
The struggle with the occult alters was on a nearly daily basis, so I found a certain amount of peace by focusing my energy on tasks that were simple and that made me happy, such as sewing or cooking or cleaning house or making candles. It wasn’t a “perfect” way to deal with the stress, no, but it helped out on many days.
Even though I was still afraid to speak prayers out loud, eventually I began whispering prayers in my mind, such as: “God, please help me. I’m going to give up. I can’t take this any longer!”
One afternoon, just a few weeks ago (and I honestly can’t remember if it was before we evacuated from the hurricane or right afterwards), a thought hit me like a lightening bolt: “They’re right. Those parts of me were created to work against God! Why have I been arguing against that all this time? It’s the truth!”
In looking back, this realization was helpful in stopping the internal struggle (the fight) I had been waging, creating at least a temporary “truce,” of sorts, that lasted long enough to come to a shocking revelation, and I felt Starla and her little gang cheer on the inside: “Right! That’s what we’ve been trying to tell you! Now let’s get to work!”
Then I said to them: “It’s true that you were created to work against God. But God didn’t create you that way. The programmers did.”
The shock that revelation brought resonated through my entire system, and Starla (and the other occult alters) got very quiet as they contemplated that new thought.
I kept saying it, over and over …
you were created to work against God, but God didn’t create you that way… God didn’t create you that way… God didn’t create you that way
… amazed myself at this revelation.
I had “known” it, in a sort-of way — in a “head” way, so to speak — but the deeply resonating truth of that thought and what it actually meant to me had never reached my heart.
But that day, by the grace of God, it did.
It was incredible how quickly the weight lifted off of my heart, and with it gone, I felt so light and free!
The sorrow I had lived with for so long, from very early childhood, believing that God truly didn’t love me … that I had to somehow “earn” His love and acceptance … that even then, I was never going to earn His love and acceptance …
(and in this, I was actually correct, because none of us can earn His acceptance, but it is a free gift that is only given to us by the grace of the Father and we accept it only by faith … see Ephesians 2:8)
… the belief that God had created me to be against Him … the belief that I really had no choice but to serve Satan … all of that was lifted.
And that day, as the weight of deception and anguish and false guilt lifted off of my spirit, if I wouldn’t have felt so much like laughing, I would have cried, as I said, over and over again, “Thank You God, thank You God, thank You God, thank You for delivering me.”
The confusion and fear left.
The voices of the Luciferian alters were silenced.
And understanding of the entire “most illumined of all” meeting finally clicked into place.
Then, I got really busy with all the stress surrounding a hurricane, the preps needed for that, the evacuation process, and the clean up afterwards, and I didn’t get a chance to begin writing about much of anything, except for a couple of lighthearted posts on this blog, and the first serious post I wrote (with the input of Carolyn, of course, because it was on our joint website) was on the “three days of darkness.”
But I’ll say now that although we — me and the parts of me — are still working on dealing with the issues surrounding dissociation (and that may be a life-long work, but that’s okay), there is a much needed calm right now.
Starla and the other
occult alters used to be occult alters (although I’m aware this may need to be an ongoing healing process, but that’s okay because God’s got it! ☺) have now realized that what they had been led
to believe is not true.
I have realized that what I had been led
brainwashed and programmed
into believing is not true.
And there is a general peace that has taken over my system.
This is all the work of the Spirit of God, and not of me. I have given control, and will continue to give control, of the entire process of healing and of my entire systems to God, and have submitted it to Him. So healing takes place when and how God ordains.
Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I hang out every day, listlessly waiting for a magical “healing from heaven” to fall upon me.
There are “normal” things I have learned to do (and continue to learn) — common-sense physical things — in order to help bring a level of healing to myself, as well, such as:
- work on communication skills, both internally and externally
- work on better coping mechanisms
- do a certain amount of mild system work (but never with another person…! see the link for an explanation)
- reflect upon my past and my feelings about it so I can resolve those issues
Writing things down — my feelings and perceptions about both past and present situations — can also be helpful in the healing process.
Talking about things with someone I trust (such as Carolyn or my husband) is helpful in processing the trauma, and this is helpful to the healing process, too.
Plus, I’m learning to focus on doing things in the physical that are helpful to my overall mental, emotional, and physical well-being, such as:
- exercising (gosh, this could use some extra work…! lol)
- eating healthy (for the most part… lol)
- focusing on healthy hobbies to keep my mind occupied on good things, such as sewing, gardening, baking, candle-making, etc…
- taking care of myself, such as tending to my hygiene in a proper manner
- and even doing simple things just to make myself happy, like painting my nails or wearing a dress that makes me feel pretty
(See also: “Other Helps Regarding Dissociative Disorders.”)
But as important as all those things have been, above all, I am continuing to submit myself and every part of myself to the Father and to His will, and doing my best to align myself with His Word. And as I submit to the work of His Spirit, He works His healing within me, and many of the articles I write, as well as many of the chapters of my bio that I write, have testified to this fact.
Will Starla and I now integrate?
I don’t know.
Will those used-to-be occult alters and I now integrate?
I don’t know.
I don’t know when, or even if, I will ever “integrate” with those used-to-be-Luciferian alters of mine. That process is up to the Father, because I have handed over that process to Him, and I no longer worry about it.
But I do know that there is peace now, where there used to be confusion and struggle and fights, so for that, I’m so thankful.
And I don’t know if this will make much sense to anyone but to those who are dissociative and who have struggled in the past (or are currently struggling) with occult alters or with “bad” alters, but in this calm, I’m learning to appreciate Starla and her drive to do what is right, even if it is the wrong thing (although now, she’s learning what is right … and so am I! lol 😃).
In reflecting back over this experience, I do believe the Spirit of God spoke to me (in a manner of speaking) that morning all those months ago, when I was reminded of the temptation of Jesus in the wilderness. I believe that in His mercy, it was a warning of what I was about to experience — a forewarning, even.
But even more so, it was a reminder that He gave to me, much like a seed that He planted within my heart, to sustain me through the anguish that was to come. And in knowing what was to come, His mercy allowed me to go through that temporary confusion and fear, His grace sustaining me through that entire period of time, so that I, and every part of me, would eventually be brought healing and wholeness, gaining a deep heart lesson that it is He who has called me and it is He who will finish the work He began within me.
… being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.Philippians 1:6
He will sustain you to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ.1 Corinthians 1:8
… so that He may establish your hearts in blamelessness and holiness before our God and Father at the coming of our Lord Jesus with all His saints. Amen.1 Thessalonians 3:13
Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with every good thing to do His will. And may He accomplish in us what is pleasing in His sight through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen.Hebrews 13:20-21
… for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.Philippians 2:13
Teaching me, and every part of me, that it is He who has, in His great mercy, reconciled me to Himself through Jesus Christ, and this is not a work I can ever accomplish on my own.
Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away. Behold, the new has come!
All this is from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to Himself in Christ, not counting men’s trespasses against them. And He has committed to us the message of reconciliation.2 Corinthians 5:17-19
But God proves His love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Therefore, since we have now been justified by His blood, how much more shall we be saved from wrath through Him! For if, when we were enemies of God, we were reconciled to Him through the death of His Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through His life! Not only that, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.Romans 5:8-11
I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but I know that God is in charge, and I will continue to submit to His will, even though some days it’s a struggle more than other days.
But I also know that His grace will see me through. His grace will sustain me, and He will finish the work He has started in me.
This is His promise.
His grace will do the same for you, if you but submit to Him!