It’s been a struggle for me lately, in many different ways. And I don’t just mean the whole virus thing. That’s just an extra struggle that will probably pass soon, although I’m fairly certain the effects will be significant and far-reaching, as I touched on in my last blog post, which is very concerning.
But I’ve been struggling with other things.
I’ve mentioned a little before about these struggles, so it’s not as if I’m trying to keep it a secret from everyone and pretend I’m just fine. But I’ve never really talked a lot about it, aside with Carolyn (because I know she can relate), and sometimes with my husband, mostly because I feel ashamed about it, and I am fearful that most people probably can’t relate, and so would then misjudge me.
Plenty of people misjudge me as it is, some out of misunderstanding, but others out of hatred and spite (but let God judge the intentions of their heart). That is why I usually stay to myself. It’s easier that way.
Well… to be fair, staying to myself also has to do with my dissociation and with what is called “attachment injuries or attachment traumas,” and these are a direct result of childhood abuse; and so, perhaps many of the misjudgments come out of misunderstanding what I’m dealing with as a result of that abuse.
It’s a complicated topic that’s difficult to explain, and it will have to be addressed in a different blog post, but I really just don’t feel safe in connecting with most people on a level that is anything other than surface; and while surface is okay, after a while, it wears me out, so it’s generally easier and much safer to stay to myself.
At any rate, I haven’t really talked too much about certain struggles I have because I don’t see the sense in adding more fuel to the fire, giving others even more reason to falsely accuse me or to misjudge me. But since the Father opened my eyes a few years ago to the witchcraft I was involved in, and I repented and left all that garbage behind, I have been dealing with a constant campaign of harassment and temptation by the demonic ever since. Every once in a while, there is human involvement. But for the most part, it’s been strictly the demonic.
This doesn’t happen every day, no. But generally, every several weeks or so, there is yet another campaign sent against me, where I’m dealing with yet another wave of activity that can last anywhere from a few hours to several days, as they harass me… or threaten me… or tempt me… or try to bribe and coerce me… or try to reprogram me.
And then they usually leave me alone for a several weeks, until they come against me again.
There’s no need to get into details, really (although, if it’s ever appropriate to relate more fully at some point in the future, I guess I probably will), but it’s been wearing me out mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
With recent “global developments” concerning this latest health scare, I’ve been wondering if this is why they keep coming at me so hard: are they are ramping up for a final push, and they need “all hands on deck,” so to speak?
I guess time will tell.
The other morning, early, when I awoke in the middle of the night (as usual), unable to go back to sleep (as usual), I once again poured my heart out to God, asking Him to please help me. Asking Him to please have mercy on me and to rescue me from all this craziness, because I’ve about reached my breaking point.
Then I was reminded of how Jesus was tempted by Satan, too. And I remembered His final response: “It is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God and serve Him only.’”
Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. After fasting forty days and forty nights, He was hungry.
The tempter came to Him and said, “If You are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.”
But Jesus answered, “It is written:
‘Man shall not live on bread alone,
but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”
Then the devil took Him to the holy city and set Him on the pinnacle of the temple. “If You are the Son of God,” he said, “throw Yourself down. For it is written:
‘He will command His angels concerning You,
and they will lift You up in their hands,
so that You will not strike Your foot
against a stone.’”
Jesus replied, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’”
Again, the devil took Him to a very high mountain and showed Him all the kingdoms of the world and their glory. “All this I will give You,” he said, “if You will fall down and worship me.”
“Away from Me, Satan!” Jesus declared. “For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God and serve Him only.’”
Then the devil left Him, and angels came and ministered to Him.
And I realized that Jesus’s final temptation as recorded in Matthew 4, is the core issue I have been dealing with, and is something that I’ve talked about here and there in various blog posts: serving God or serving Satan.
As I’ve mentioned before (see this post in particular), there are certain topics (“predestination” being a big one) that act as triggers to certain parts of me who are absolutely convinced that they have been created by God to work against Him. And so, for them, not working for Satan is actually going against God’s will for our lives.
It’s ridiculously insane, I know… but there it is.
I am working through this, sometimes one day at a time, but it can still be a struggle. And this is the main issue I have when I am being attacked by the demonic: it stirs up those parts of me who are convinced that they should be serving Satan because not only were they created for it, but because they were trained for it.
That’s the whole point of the campaign of attacks: to trigger those parts of who were trained to work for Satan, and to wear me down to the point where I give up in exposing them and in resisting them.
So, making a deeper connection between my current and ongoing struggles (“ongoing” as of two weeks ago, anyway) because of demonic attack and the temptation that Jesus went through, helps me feel as if I don’t have to be ashamed over it.
It helps me feel as if there is hope.
It reminds me that I need to continue to follow the example of Jesus Christ and continue to step out in faith in His Word and declare in the face of the enemy as many times as they come against me that “I will worship the Lord my God and serve Him only.”
I hope you continue to step out in faith in His Word and declare the same thing, too, no matter how hard and how often the enemy comes against you.
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