Serve Him Only

It’s been a struggle for me lately, in many different ways. And I don’t just mean the whole virus thing. That’s just an extra struggle that will probably pass soon, although I’m fairly certain the effects will be significant and far-reaching, as I touched on in my last blog post, which is very concerning.

But I’ve been struggling with other things.

I’ve mentioned a little before about these struggles, so it’s not as if I’m trying to keep it a secret from everyone and pretend I’m just fine. But I’ve never really talked a lot about it, aside with Carolyn (because I know she can relate), and sometimes with my husband, mostly because I feel ashamed about it, and I am fearful that most people probably can’t relate, and so would then misjudge me.

Plenty of people misjudge me as it is, some out of misunderstanding, but others out of hatred and spite (but let God judge the intentions of their heart). That is why I usually stay to myself. It’s easier that way.

Well… to be fair, staying to myself also has to do with my dissociation and with what is called “attachment injuries or attachment traumas,” and these are a direct result of childhood abuse; and so, perhaps many of the misjudgments come out of misunderstanding what I’m dealing with as a result of that abuse.

It’s a complicated topic that’s difficult to explain, and it will have to be addressed in a different blog post, but I really just don’t feel safe in connecting with most people on a level that is anything other than surface; and while surface is okay, after a while, it wears me out, so it’s generally easier and much safer to stay to myself.

Struggles

At any rate, I haven’t really talked too much about certain struggles I have because I don’t see the sense in adding more fuel to the fire, giving others even more reason to falsely accuse me or to misjudge me. But since the Father opened my eyes a few years ago to the witchcraft I was involved in, and I repented and left all that garbage behind, I have been dealing with a constant campaign of harassment and temptation by the demonic ever since. Every once in a while, there is human involvement. But for the most part, it’s been strictly the demonic.

This doesn’t happen every day, no. But generally, every several weeks or so, there is yet another campaign sent against me, where I’m dealing with yet another wave of activity that can last anywhere from a few hours to several days, as they harass me… or threaten me… or tempt me… or try to bribe and coerce me… or try to reprogram me.

And then they usually leave me alone for several weeks, until they come against me again.

There’s no need to get into details, really (although, if it’s ever appropriate to relate more fully at some point in the future, I guess I probably will), but it’s been wearing me out mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

With recent “global developments” concerning this latest health scare, I’ve been wondering if this is why they keep coming at me so hard: are they are ramping up for a final push, and they need “all hands on deck,” so to speak?

I guess time will tell.

Reminders

The other morning, early, when I awoke in the middle of the night (as usual), unable to go back to sleep (as usual), I once again poured my heart out to God, asking Him to please help me. Asking Him to please have mercy on me and to rescue me from all this craziness, because I’ve about reached my breaking point.

Then I was reminded of how Jesus was tempted by Satan, too. And I remembered His final response: “It is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God and serve Him only.’”

Matthew 4:1-11

Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. After fasting forty days and forty nights, He was hungry.

The tempter came to Him and said, “If You are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.”

But Jesus answered, “It is written:

‘Man shall not live on bread alone,
but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”

Then the devil took Him to the holy city and set Him on the pinnacle of the temple. “If You are the Son of God,” he said, “throw Yourself down. For it is written:

‘He will command His angels concerning You,
and they will lift You up in their hands,
so that You will not strike Your foot
against a stone.’”

Jesus replied, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’”

Again, the devil took Him to a very high mountain and showed Him all the kingdoms of the world and their glory. “All this I will give You,” he said, “if You will fall down and worship me.”

“Away from Me, Satan!” Jesus declared. “For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God and serve Him only.’”

Then the devil left Him, and angels came and ministered to Him.

And I realized that Jesus’s final temptation as recorded in Matthew 4, is the core issue I have been dealing with, and is something that I’ve talked about here and there in various blog posts: serving God or serving Satan.

As I’ve mentioned before (see this post in particular), there are certain topics (“predestination” being a big one) that act as triggers to certain parts of me who are absolutely convinced that they have been created by God to work against Him. And so, for them, not working for Satan is actually going against God’s will for our lives.

🤨

🙄

😣

It’s ridiculously insane, I know… but there it is.

I am working through this, sometimes one day at a time, but it can still be a struggle. And this is the main issue I have when I am being attacked by the demonic: it stirs up those parts of me who are convinced that they should be serving Satan because not only were they created for it, but because they were trained for it.

That’s the whole point of the campaign of attacks: to trigger those parts of who were trained to work for Satan, and to wear me down to the point where I give up in exposing them and in resisting them.

So, making a deeper connection between my current and ongoing struggles (“ongoing” as of two weeks ago, anyway) because of demonic attack and the temptation that Jesus went through, helps me feel as if I don’t have to be ashamed over it.

It helps me feel as if there is hope.

It reminds me that I need to continue to follow the example of Jesus Christ and continue to step out in faith in His Word and declare in the face of the enemy as many times as they come against me that “I will worship the Lord my God and serve Him only.”

I hope you continue to step out in faith in His Word and declare the same thing, too, no matter how hard and how often the enemy comes against you.

Blessings,
Loren ♥


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Praying for God's Grace and the Strength to Endure to the End.
Praying for God’s Grace and the Strength to Endure to the End.

♥ ♥ ♥

We run for a crown that is imperishable. 1 Corinthians 9:25
“We run for a crown that is imperishable.” 1 Corinthians 9:25

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Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised ot those who love Him. James 1:12
“Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him.” James 1:12

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15 comments

  1. I admire you so much. The struggles you deal with day to day are a heavy burden. God Bless you each and every day and give you strength. ❤️

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  2. I was saved when I was 9 years old. This occurred after having a month long, intermittent interaction with a demon possessed woman. She was an old friend of my grandmother’s, whom she hadn’t seen in many years.
    After I was saved, I came under fairly heavy demonic attack for about 6 months. Only me. Not the rest of my family who were saved the same week that I was.
    I cannot imagine having to endure that year after year. And never knowing when it’s going to hit you and from what direction.
    I’ll be praying for you. That God gives you discernment, strength and endurance.
    I don’t think we have much longer to wait, before He comes. Praise God.

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    • I was also reminded of this verse, 1 Cor. 10:13 – “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide an escape, so that you can stand up under it.”

      Praise God for His grace that sees us thru! 😊🙏❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Dear Loren,

    Please try to work on the “being ashamed” part of you. Being ashamed is little different then being in fear. And fear attracts more of the same. When there is fear in your mind, all ones defences are gone. It’s like you leave an open door for anything that is not coming from God. Demon’s are not stronger than you. They deceive in making you think like that, and the fear is an open invitation. It takes practice being confident and without fear. But you can do it, like we all can do it. You were not created as a fearful being.

    And when you cast them away by saying “in the name of Jesus Christ”, you should say it as a disciple, full of confidence. Not out of fear. You should try to “know” that it works, like a lioness that fights for her cub, there is no fear. There is only “knowing” and “power” in that moment. God works through you.

    Long ago, it did not work for me either, at first, due to low self esteem. But it was suddenly different when i had to protect someone that was not me. Suddenly i said it very natural with real power and knowing in my being and without fear or hesistation. And so i’ve learned how to do it right. Don’t lose sleep over some spoiled brats 😉

    Know first, feel the knowing, and act.

    Maybe this helps

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    • Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Ray. 🙂

      I wrote about how remembering that Jesus was tempted, too, helps me not feel ashamed over being tempted myself, but yes, sometimes there are elements of the attacks which bring shame, depending on what sort of attack it is, but it would be difficult to explain without going into detail, and detail doesn’t really edify anyone at this point. But I will say this: any normal human being would feel shame over some of the things I’ve had to deal with; and, any normal human being would be afraid to tell others about it because there are many hateful people out in the world (and many of them are within the churches, too) who enjoy sitting upon their imaginary pedestal and peer down with judgement at the suffering of others around them.

      So, shame is a natural feeling for many different reasons. But it’s one that is overcome through the Spirit of God.

      I do not know (nor particularly care…lol) if demons are stronger than me or not. Experiences have taught me that the answer is “yes,” they are “stronger than me,” if we are talking about my own strength and might, and they could possibly even kill me, and they have certainly tried. However, I do know that God is stronger than all, and that is the only strength that matters. ❤ So, when I rest in God, no matter what the demonic may be able to do to my physical body (and this is in God’s hands, too, because I belong to God, not to them), they cannot destroy my spirit/soul, because I belong to God, not to them.

      Matthew 10:28 “Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Instead, fear the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell.”

      In my experiences, “practicing” not having fear doesn’t work. In other words, I can’t just “fake it till I make it,” and I don’t believe this is a Biblical attitude, either. Here’s some of what the Bible says about fear:

      “Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation, but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit of slavery that returns you to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. And if we are children, then we are heirs: heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ—if indeed we suffer with Him, so that we may also be glorified with Him.” Romans 8:12-17

      “If anyone confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. And we have come to know and believe the love that God has for us. God is love; whoever abides in love abides in God, and God in him. In this way, love has been perfected among us, so that we may have confidence on the day of judgment; for in this world we are just like Him. There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves punishment. The one who fears has not been perfected in love.” 1 John 4:15-17

      “For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power, love, and self-control.” 1 Timothy 1:7

      So, when I read Scripture, I see that fear isn’t overcome by my own strength, by my will power, by enough practice, by increasing my self-esteem, or anything else. But fear is overcome by God alone.

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      • “So, when I read Scripture, I see that fear isn’t overcome by my own strength, by my will power, by enough practice, by increasing my self-esteem, or anything else. But fear is overcome by God alone.

        When i wrote my comment, something went wrong while trying to send it, due to me not being logged in. I changed my mind and wanted to erase it. After logging in, i did not found my comment, so i thought all was well. Apparently the comment was on hold. I just figured that out today. lol. And btw, english is also not my first language. I can’t use the words i want to use very fluidly.

        The reason why i wanted to erase my comment? Because i figured out you would reply in the way you did, in which i don’t take any offence (i just say this to make sure).

        My answer is still and again…God works through people.

        I am not one to speak in biblical sentences to make my point. I’m just not smart enough for that, and it feels a little bit like walking on my toes to make things understandable for people who do speak like that.And do not accept anything less.

        Even more so, for the most part, i can not even figure out what is exactly said in the bible while reading it, though i’ve tried many many times…
        At times i even wonder if all of it is even passed by God. I am sorry if this upsets you, but i can’t lie and i won’t.

        But i do understand the message of Jesus though. I like practicing it out in the world. It’s actually one of my stronger points in life. And yes, i fail too. Often. But the part of me that is from God, my dearest soul, always helps me stand up again.

        It is that part of God that is always with me that learns me not to be fearful. And when i fail in that, it is only because i forgot the part of God that is always with me. So i practice to hold on to that thought and remember it in those situations when the need arises.

        The same goes for strength, willpower, self esteem and anything else. On my own it’s worth nothing and it can even be corrupted. But with God it is pure, and it will not miss it’s aim.

        I thought it was very clear what i wanted to point out in my first reply. God works through people. This is his way through mine, i like to think. And if i’m wrong, then i’m probably doomed. Which is something i just cannot believe, because he loves all of his children.

        I hope Carolyn is well. And you too, of course.

        With respect.

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  4. Hi Loren,
    Thank you for your writings. For a while now, I’ve contemplating starting my own blog dealing with the subject of suffering which you referred to. I cannot imagine what you have experienced in your life. With what is happening now in this world, it seems more urgent that I should endeavor to start the blog. With that in mind, I hope that what I’ve written below will provide some insight and encouragement for you as you overcome and prevail against the enemy.

    Hebrews 11:35Women received back their dead, raised to life again. There were others who were tortured, refusing to be released so that they might gain an even better resurrection. 36Some faced jeers and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. 37They were put to death by stoning; they were sawed in two; they were killed by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— 38the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, living in caves and in holes in the ground.
    39These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, 40since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.

    I had always pondered why these believers referenced in v.35 who suffered torture, refused to be released from their captors and instead chose to continue in their suffering. After all, that is not the typical mindset of the Western believer today certainly including myself who doesn’t like to suffer one iota. You and Carolyn have described your suffering and continued attacks by the enemy. Is there a purpose behind these attacks which God allows but in the end still gives Him the glory and greater reward for you? V.39 states they were commended for their faith; yet they did not receive the promise since God promised them something better. What does that mean??

    I believe that reward is the exanastasis. The word exanastasis only occurs once in the NT. Paul plainly states that he has not yet obtained it in Phil 3:11-13. V.10 states he wants to know the power of his resurrection and the FELLOWSHIP OF HIS SUFFERINGS. Sounds similar to the Heb 11 passage doesn’t it?

    What does this all mean? Exanastasis has been variously translated as the “out-resurrection.” The regular Greek word for “resurrection” appearing throughout the New Testament is anastasis. This different word exanastasis is made up of three parts (ex-ana-stasis). The latter two parts of the word (ana-stasis), means “to rise up,” or “to stand up.” But the preposition ex (from ek) prefixed to anastasis adds a new dimension. The first part, ex (the form that “ek” takes when prefixed to words beginning with a vowel) means “out of,” making exanastasis mean “to stand up out of [out-resurrection].”

    Only those Christians who have persevered and have overcome the world, the flesh and Satan will partake in the exanastasis. This is the first resurrection referred in Rev 20:4 and further described in Rev 20:
    5The rest of the dead did not come to life until the thousand years were ended. This is the first resurrection. 6Blessed and holy is the one who shares in the first resurrection! Over such the second death has no power, but they will be priests of God and of Christ, and they WILL REIGN WITH HIM FOR A THOUSAND YEARS.

    So if the Apostle Paul in Phil 3:12, stated that he had not yet obtained it [exanastasia], what does that say about our lives as believers today? In comparison, do we all have the same goal as Paul and are our lives reflective of that? The goal of every regenerated believer is not to live with God forever in heaven as that is not what the scriptures portray. Rather the goal is to attain to a better resurrection (Heb 11:35 and reign with Christ (2 Tim 2:12) during the Millennial age on the earth. That goal is not guaranteed to us but is dependent upon our perseverance and becoming overcomers.

    I have left out many details since I don’t have the space to include them all. But I think the main take away is what we have been taught in the church has instead led us away from what Paul has written. We have not been taught to suffer and why it is necessary. We have instead been taught the prosperity gospel and that we will not have to endure any tribulation as we will all be “raptured.” We have not been taught to prepare for suffering to the point of martyrdom if necessary. I know I haven’t and was in church for decades. Rev 20:4 references the saints who suffered and were beheaded for their faith and as a result will live and reign with Christ for the thousand years.

    Your persevering through your trials of attack and suffering and overcoming them will will result in you being in charge of many things as you co-rein with Jesus during the millennium. Do not lose heart.
    Matt 25:23 “His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’
    Rev 2:26 And to the one who overcomes and continues in My work until the end, I will give authority over the nations.

    I hope this edifies you. Blessings in Jesus.

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    • Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Stuart. 🙂

      I don’t necessarily disagree with everything you wrote, but if I’m properly understanding what you’ve shared, there are some things that are way off. It sounds as if you are trying to connect certain different Scriptures in such a way that it could lead to an unbiblical conclusion. And in thinking back on the different things I’ve been taught over the years, some of what you have written about has led many astray into unbiblical philosophies.

      For example, you wrote: “V.39 states they were commended for their faith; yet they did not receive the promise since God promised them something better. What does that mean??” Then you go on to talk about how it’s connected to what you say is a specific type of resurrection (exanastasis) in Philippians, and the resurrection spoken of in Revelation 20, and to ruling and reigning.

      It seems clear to me, after reading more thoroughly, that the author of Hebrews is talking about those “saints of old,” such as who we read about in the Old Testament.

      And after reminding the reader about a bunch of people whose lives and faith are recorded in the Old Testament, the author then goes on to say in chapter 12: “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off every encumbrance and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with endurance the race set out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

      Jesus is the “greater promise” — the reward — spoken of in Hebrews. Not a specific type of resurrection, nor ruling and reigning and being in charge of stuff.

      Furthermore, if you study a little bit about the history behind what the author was talking about, “a better resurrection” is referring to the fact that some who were being tortured were being offered release from their sufferings, if they would forsake God’s law. They refused, holding out for a “better resurrection” (namely, a permanent release from their sufferings, rather than the temporary release that was being offered them at that moment) that they knew, by faith, they would eventually be given by God (through Jesus Christ, as was God’s plan, not only for them, but for all).

      I do know where you’re coming from, however, with the ruling and reigning. I’ve heard a lot of theologies surrounding that idea, some that were Biblical, but most which certainly were not Biblical at all! But here’s my take on it, generally speaking.

      First, I would never, ever compare my suffering to those spoken of in this passage (Hebrews 11:35-38). I wouldn’t even compare my suffering with those around the world today, who, because they are Christians, are suffering awful things to the point of torture and death.

      Yes, I suffered many things as a child. But it wasn’t because I was a Christian. It wasn’t because of my faith. It was because of child abuse, ritual abuse, and programming. It was a different type of suffering, in my opinion, than suffering because of my faith in Christ. In other words, I don’t consider myself a martyr. Although, if someone else feels differently concerning their sufferings through ritual abuse and programming, then I certainly won’t argue with them. This is just how I feel concerning myself and my own past experiences.

      Yes, I suffer some things now because I am a Christian, but it’s nothing like what is mentioned in Hebrews 11:35-38. Perhaps one day it will be. I hope not… but only God knows, so I won’t worry about the future, because it’s out of my hands. I will go through what God has ordained me to go through, and I will continue to pray for the grace and strength of God to endure whatever it may be. 🙏

      Second, I was caught up for years, focused on the “ruling and reigning” aspect of eternity, and it was during a time when I was involved in witchcraft without recognizing it for what it was, so focused was I on “ruling and reigning,” among other things. My focus was so far off that I had no idea what a true Christian was, and no idea about what the Bible actually teaches concerning our faith that gives us the promise of eternity.

      To put it another way, I was focused on the prize (ruling and reigning) rather than the race itself (following Jesus Christ).

      I hope you can understand what I mean and where I’m coming from. I’m talking about focus, and about not putting the cart before the horse, so to speak.

      I now stay away from teachings on ruling and reigning, for the most part. It’s not that I discard those verses that speak to ruling and reigning, but I don’t focus on that any longer. I think if we focused more on “following Jesus Christ” in this life, and less on “ruling and reigning” in the next, we’d be much better off. Ruling and reigning will come in its own time as God ordains; but first we must learn to follow Him.

      But these are just my thoughts about it, and I appreciate you sharing your own. 🙂

      Thank you for encouraging me to not lose heart, and I’m glad that you’ve drawn attention to the “bigger picture,” so to speak. I think we could all use that encouragement right now! 🙂 ❤

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  5. I can very much relate to what you are describing about the attacks from the dark, demonic side. Since 2-3 months back the attacks have been increasing against me. With a new, stronger intensity. I was wondering why, but came to the conclusion that maybe I am about to leave my earthly body soon, or that it is indeed related to the new world order being cemented with an astonishing acceleration right now.

    Blessings in Jesus Christs name.

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    • 1 Cor. 10:13 – “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide an escape, so that you can stand up under it.” Prayers for you! 🙏❤

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank you for sharing Loren. I think about the life of Jesus a lot, his sufferings. That he took all that on and suffered for us so that we can live in freedom. He conquered the world and made a way for us. Even the Son of God had anxiety dying on the cross, and the people mocked him. Knowing this relieves my own anxiety a little bit as I’ve been a bit anxious the past days, knowing the world is going south. Satan is a liar. He will turn every little weakness he can find against us. Eternal blessings.

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  7. Thanks for what you do. Posting “likes” is always a challenge due to some digital glitch, otherwise I would post them often to your posts and comments. Stay strong in spirit and God Bless!

    Like

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