I’ve a few things on my heart that I want to write about, and even though this post is all over the place (apologies beforehand!), I promise you all the thoughts are connected, so I hope I don’t lose your interest.
I often go back and forth when trying to decide if writing and sharing my bio is a good idea.
On one hand, what I share may be triggering to other survivors and just the opposite of helpful, as some may have the tendency to become very emotionally or mentally distressed when reading of the trauma others have suffered through, even if the story is told without a lot of details. And then, some survivors have the tendency to “adopt” others’ stories as being their own, when those specific things never actually happened to them. Additionally, when programming is involved, there is always a tendency for programming to be triggered, which can lead to all sorts of problems, as well.
However… on the other hand, it can also be helpful for some survivors to know that they aren’t alone in the things they have been through… to be able to point to another survivor’s story and tell unbelieving family or friends: “See, I’m not the only one!”
Or… well, since those unbelieving family or friends likely still wouldn’t believe, to at least point to another’s story and tell themselves: “I’m not the only one.”
But is it worth telling my story for the sake of those few who may be helped, yet disregarding the many who may be triggered by it?
I honestly don’t know.
I believe that each person must decide for themselves whether or not they want to share; with whom they want to share; how much they want to share; and when they want to share.
I also believe that each person must decide for themselves whether or not they want to read or listen to the stories of other survivors, and to feel comfortable with their decision either way, and to not allow other people to influence them one way or the other concerning the matter.
As for myself, I recognize that I have shared way too much in the past; I shared when I should not have; and I shared under particular circumstances whereby I had been triggered by specific people.
(Some were triggering me purposefully, some were triggering me unintentionally, but others…? I’m not so sure about the intention of the others. I might get into this later, but either those particular people, all of whom claimed they wanted to “help” survivors, were incredibly stupid or they knew exactly what they were doing, trolling social media looking for survivors and sharing triggering content, then when it was clear that the survivor had been triggered, they would point them in the direction of whatever “deliverance minister” they happened to follow at the time.
One of these ladies, Amy, was described as being “the DID magnet” and that “DID people are attracted to her like a magnet and then after Amy talks with the DID person, she has a knack of who to refer that DID person to….”
Looking back, it’s clear that she was being used to “fish” for survivors and to point them in a direction where they would actually be reprogrammed by whichever “deliverance counselor” or “DID coach” they would eventually come across, through her recommendations. The only question I have is whether she was/is doing this intentionally or unintentionally, because after she triggered me and got me into contact with three other women who pointed me to Duval, she eventually disappeared, and I never heard from her again. As someone who claimed to be so “supportive” of survivors, this is suspect to me, so I believe that she was/is doing this on purpose. I can’t be 100% certain yet, but this is certainly what all the circumstantial evidence is pointing to.
At any rate… SURVIVORS BEWARE! It happens! Be on the lookout for these types of “agents” when using social media, and be doubly careful in whom you talk to, friend, or follow, even in what are supposed to be “survivor support groups.” From my experience and from what I’ve also heard from other survivors, support groups and survivor’s pages are rife with these types of people.
This is going in another direction, but I need to point out quickly that as Carolyn and I are painfully aware of this problem, both of us are VERY CAREFUL with the comments we allow on our Facebook pages. Until Carolyn or I manually approve or delete each comment, all comments are hidden on our Facebook pages and only able to be viewed by the person who made the comment and those on their friend’s list. I say this because if you, the reader, have your own public Facebook page, you might want to keep this in mind as something you can do to help protect the other survivors who may follow your page.)
Okay… moving on. 😊
After I had been triggered, I was then brought into contact with specific women who then corralled me into a specific “ministry,” where I was then was reprogrammed by a particular person, and then I was used to bring in other survivors to be reprogrammed in the same fashion as I was being reprogrammed.
(Carolyn, for many reasons, the least of which because she had already been sharing her testimony and had a wider “following” — although, we both hate using that word… lol — was used to lure survivors in more so than any of us, probably. But I, as well as the other people Duval “interviewed,” was most definitely used to a certain degree to bring survivors into the camp.
I didn’t realize all this at the time, of course, because I had been triggered and was going through reprogramming at the time, and I was being manipulated and controlled by both the demonic as well as the people in Duval’s organization. But I can look back and see this very clearly now, and it is such a huge part of why I have to warn other survivors! I am personally responsible!)
This was (and still is) an ongoing demonic assignment that takes place within many different environments, but the demonic don’t work on their own! The demonic use people to facilitate this reprogramming process, just as the original programming involves people who are assisted by the demonic to implement the original programming.
(Perhaps the better phrase would be: “the original programmers are assisting the demonic.” But either way, it all ends up the same….)
Some of the reprogramming/programming takes place in the physical, and some of it takes place in the spiritual. I’ve experienced both, and it’s a danger that every survivor of mind-control programming needs to know exists, which is ONE reason why I share my story… but I’ll explain more of the “why” in a moment.
(By the way… this is getting off topic to the article … again 🙄 … but just to quickly say: being set free from these reprogramming efforts, whether they are occurring in the physical or in the spiritual, centers around fostering a relationship with the Heavenly Father that begins at salvation and is grounded in the Truth of His Word. There are always common-sense physical things that you need to do, as well, but the most important part, in my opinion, is the spiritual aspect.)
So… when I originally shared parts of what I had been through, much of it was being processed through the “deliverance counseling” sessions (programming sessions) I was going through with Duval, who essentially was/is a programmer. He called it “de-programming” and “re-programming,” of course (maybe he still does, but I neither know nor care what he does now) but they are both elements of programming!
And I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating: God doesn’t program people. He heals us! He sets us free! He makes us whole! He renews our mind! But God does not program us!
So, as a result, my perception of much of what I had been through and was going through was skewed (I’ve written about this before, but since this is my blog, I’m writing about it again 😄).
I was mistaking demons for angels.
I was believing an antichrist to be Jesus Christ.
I was encouraged to accept dream insertion as being something that was not only of God, but as being a natural part of the “counseling” process, since ‹begin sarcasm font› Duval couldn’t possibly be expected to accomplish all the fabulous feats he was set to accomplish during waking hours.‹/end sarcasm font›
(I write this with sarcasm, but this incredibly dangerous, arrogant, and unbiblical viewpoint and attitude — his occult beliefs and teachings — that Duval explicitly expressed to me was praised and encouraged by those whom he surrounded himself with, including myself at the time, much to my shame and remorse.)
During “counseling” sessions, sometimes Duval would ask my alters what had happened with a specific incident that I would want to talk about.
(Notice I said that I wanted to talk about it… but Duval wanted to talk to the alters.)
During those times, it was not uncommon for my alters to supposedly have a “memory” that I did not have, and when I had trouble believing it, I was told that I was “in denial,” and so was being encouraged and manipulated to believe anything and everything that came up during a “counseling” session. As one can imagine, this ended up being a very harmful and painful dynamic of the entire “counseling” situation.
(And, by the way, remembering on my own the things about my life that I had previously forgotten about, is 100% different than listening to the “memories” from my alters that came up in sessions with Duval, and I’ve since discarded those “memories,” because I don’t relate to them, they don’t make sense, they don’t connect with the surrounding memories that I have always had, and because they were coming from parts of me at a time when we were under an incredible amount of pressure by Duval to “remember” something that we did not.)
I was also taking the word of a being named “Joshua” — I’m not really sure what or who he was. He could have been a programmed alter that was triggered through the “counseling process,” but he could have been a demonic being who took on a human-type of form, yet claimed to be an “angel.”
After I gave control of my entire system to the Heavenly Father, “Joshua” left, leading me to now believe he was a demonic being, but I’m honestly not 100% sure. Regardless, looking back now, it’s very clear to me that he (whatever “he” was…) was used to continually push me into counseling with Duval when I clearly did not want to. Every time I came to a point where I would recognize the insanity of what I was involved in and recognize that I could not continue “counseling” with Duval without serious health consequences, I would quit counseling. But then the programming scripts would be triggered through “Joshua,” and I would be compelled to continue counseling, in spite of my very clearly articulated desire to not continue.
This whole dynamic is recorded in my private journals, and reading over it, it’s clear to me now that it was most certainly programming that had been triggered, keeping me in a situation whereby my programming could continue break down in the way that the demonic could control; whereby my perception of past memories could be manipulated by the demonic; whereby I could continue to be programmed in the way the demonic wanted me to be; and whereby I was being used by them to encourage other survivors into the same situation as I, where they would go through the same “trigger-reprogram-then-bring-others-in” process I was going through, as well.
And this entire demonic programming process was facilitated by my “deliverance counselor,” a.k.a, self-proclaimed “D.I.D. expert” and “D.I.D. life-coach,” Dan Duval…
(Who learned from Preston Bailey, by the way… You, the reader, would do well to mark and avoid those men, as well as those who run in the same circles as they, regardless of whether they publicly endorse and hang out with them or not, and vice versa. “Birds of a feather flock together,” as the saying goes. It would be foolish to believe for a single moment that Duval’s organization is the only organization that the demonic are using to reprogram survivors so they can continue to be used by the demonic in different ways. As a survivor, there isn’t such a thing as being “too careful.”)
So in looking back over the past several years, I certainly see the dangers of sharing. Or, at the least, I see the dangers of sharing in a way that will glorify the demonic and take attention off of the Solution, who is the Heavenly Father!
And considering that what I get for my trouble is sometimes being told by absolute strangers that I’m lying about my own life, bizarre accusations that are easily ignored… but more often, for my efforts I’m maligned, slandered, and attacked by occult, charismatic “christians,” including Duval and Bailey and their fan base, most recently by a Duval fan who is called “LAsher,” then sharing my past experiences is not something that I do for fun.
(And since I’m on the subject….
There’s more than one of you who lashes out both publicly and privately at Carolyn and I, so to all of those who lash out at us, rebuking, slandering, and attacking Carolyn and I for exposing the evil deeds of the men you so stupidly admire, here’s my public message to you:
“You are evil, godless, deluded liars. You are disgusting, using the name of God to lift up and defend abusers, programmers, heretics, occultists, and workers of darkness, while attacking those whom such people have victimized and brought to harm… attacking those of us who are trying to warn others of the very danger that you are blithely and stupidly — or is it purposefully? —leading them into…! Be careful the things you speak, lest you bring condemnation upon your own head, and destruction to your door. If there is repentance for any of you, I pray you are brought to it sooner rather than later.”)
So, why share then? Is it necessary? Does it matter? Am I doing more harm than good? And if I share, how much is too much?
I don’t entirely know the answers to all those questions, but for the record, I want to articulate why I have chosen to write about some of the things I have experienced, both on this website and on the website I share with Carolyn.
Aside from possibly being helpful to a few survivors here and there, here are the reasons why I share what the Father has rescued and delivered me from:
• First, I write to give glory to God, Who has and continues to deliver me and heal me.
• Second, and perhaps selfishly, I don’t want what happened to me to be forgotten, as if it never mattered in the first place. Furthermore, writing about it helps facilitate healing as I work through and process everything. It’s kinda like therapy, in a way. Not really fun, but a necessary part of healing. Only cheaper.
• Third, I write for my children so they can have understanding, if not now, then some time in the future, after my death.
• Fourth, for my estranged brother, if he ever comes across my information, I hope it connects the dots for him in his own life and brings understanding, and eventually, healing. Although, if he is ever interested in anything I have to say, I don’t expect it to be until after I am dead, but if he does, I hope it’s helpful.
• Fifth, I write to foster understanding for those who have never heard of ritual abuse or TBMC or “christian” occultism or the other things I write about, and to hopefully raise awareness, as well as engender empathy and understanding for those survivors around them.
• Sixth, I write to warn others — survivors, as well as the family and friends of survivors — of the dangers of programming/reprogramming and occultism within “christian” environment. Although I most often address these issues that are present within a charismatic “deliverance ministry” environment, reprogramming can take place in other environments, as well, and this is what I warn people of.
I also write to warn others of harmful and heretical people and “ministries,” and to explain not only from a Biblical perspective but also from personal experience, why those people are harmful and why their teachings are heretical.
• Seventh, I write so that those who read my regular blog articles will know that I know what I’m talking about. I’m not sharing second-hand information I read from someone else (although I’m not opposed to that, and I do that sometimes). But most of my understanding of the topics related to dissociation, mind-control programming, occultism in the church, healing from those things that cause dissociation, being set free from programming, the dangers of reprogramming, etc., comes from personal experience.
• And lastly: everyone else talks about their past and the lessons they’ve learned in life, etc…. Should I be shamed from talking about mine just because it isn’t pleasing? So I write because I refuse to be silent. I refuse to continue to allow the perps to have that power over me. I may not always “name names” (although, in some cases I do, so as to warn other people away from the harm that can come from being in contact with them), but the fact that I’m at least telling what happened to me is better than saying nothing at all.
So is it worth me sharing?
It is for me, and this is how I feel. It may not be how you feel, and that is okay, too. 😊
But these are the reasons why I choose to share.